Written by Nana Hemaa
A rapid influx of people are trying to be successful in their profession, after all, it generates money for them or academics because it will improve their job opportunities. Being successful has various meanings such as wealth and a high standard of living. In my opinion, I firmly believe that it consists of ways people make ends meet as well as things that make them happy.
To commence with, most individuals derive prosperity through their jobs because they earn adequate salaries and can afford their needs. These days, many people are securing fortunes due to their high salaries obtained monthly. While this will give them a sense of satisfaction, it will also boost their recognition in their various societies. For instance, most communities give maximum respect to people involved in a lucrative job, hence even go to the extent of approving a reputable title for them in the town. Besides this, other people obtain success from their education, primarily due to the entitlement of certificates achieved at the end. Undoubtedly, every student is given an appropriate certificate at the end of their final exam. This certificate turns out to be a high requirement in most companies during recruitment. Therefore, anyone with such an educational background will be highly recommended, which will result in a successful job attainment. Therefore, career and education are possible routes that most people use to gain prosperity.
In my opinion, many people obtain success through various ways. A key method is through their source of income. Some people have the perception that through hard work they will be able to acquire all the materials that they desire in life. Hence, they work effortlessly until they achieve that success. For example, as society views successful people as hard-working people, almost everyone tries to exert more effort at work to be successful in future. As they invest much energy into their jobs, they develop an interest in them and consequently, they become successful through their jobs and source of happiness.
In conclusion, this write-up has discussed the meaning of success for different people through their careers or tuitions. I think that success may be derived from ways people make money as well as things that they build interest in.
Evaluation
IELTS Essay Analysis and Scoring
1. Error Identification and Correction
Original: “A rapid influx of people are trying to be successful in their profession, after all, it generates money for them or academics because it will improve their job opportunities.”
Correction: “A rapid influx of people is trying to achieve success in their professions, as it generates income or enhances academic qualifications, which in turn improves their job opportunities.”
Original: “Being successful has various meanings such as wealth and a high standard of living.”
Correction: “Success can be defined in various ways, including attaining wealth and a high standard of living.”
Original: “most communities give maximum respect to people involved in a lucrative job, hence even go to the extent of approving a reputable title for them in the town.”
Correction: “Most communities highly respect individuals in lucrative jobs, often going to the extent of bestowing reputable titles upon them in the town.”
2. Proficiency Level Assessment (C2 to A1)
C2: 10%
C1: 25%
B2: 35%
B1: 20%
A2: 8%
A1: 2%
3. Scoring Based on IELTS Criteria
Task Achievement (Task 2): 6.0 – Addresses the prompt, but with some repetition and lack of depth in examples.
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5 – The essay is generally well-structured, but some ideas lack clear connections.
Lexical Resource: 6.0 – Adequate range of vocabulary but with some inappropriate word choices.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5.5 – Shows a mix of simple and complex structures, but with noticeable errors.
Overall Score: 6
4. Word Count Analysis
Word Count: 322 words.
Advice: Ideal length for Task 2 is between 250-280 words. This essay slightly exceeds the ideal length, risking unnecessary repetition or digression.
5. Personalized Suggestions for Improvement
Focus on Varied Sentence Structures: Integrate more complex sentences to demonstrate higher grammatical proficiency.
Enhance Coherence: Improve the logical flow of ideas with better linking phrases and clearer topic sentences.
Refine Vocabulary Usage: Be mindful of word choice to ensure precision and appropriateness in context.
Deepen Analysis: Provide more detailed examples to support your viewpoints, enhancing the depth of your argument.
Concision: Aim for brevity and relevance in your points to maintain focus and clarity.
Summary
The essay provides a decent response to the prompt with a clear structure and relevant points. However, it would benefit from improved coherence, more sophisticated vocabulary, deeper analysis, and better control of grammar to reach a higher band score. Reducing wordiness and focusing on precision will also enhance the overall quality of the essay.
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