Written by محمد ميزان
The provided pie charts illustrate the proportion of energy is used by an average Australian family and the emissions of greenhouse gas from the use of the energy respectively.
Overall, it can be seen that heating and water heating responsible for a significant proportion of energy use, however, greenhouse gas emissions results from water heating and other appliances.
To begin with, heating and water heating are the two largest use of energy, at 42 and 30 percent respectively. Nevertheless, heating uses slightly less than a half the energy but indicates to as less as 15 percent of the total emission of green house gas. After that, water heating which consumes 30 percent of the energy and leading to 32 percent of the hazardous emission.
On the other hand, the refrigerator uses only 7 percent of the total energy but pollutes in the exactly double proportion. Meanwhile, the relation between use of energy and emission of harmful gas by other appliances also show similar results as only 15 percent of the energy is consumed while emitting almost/a slightly higher than quarter of the total greenhouse gas.
Evaluation
The IELTS Task 1 essay you’ve provided aims to describe the data presented in the given pie charts. Let’s analyze your essay based on the IELTS scoring criteria:
Task Achievement: You’ve made a good attempt to summarize the main features of the charts. However, the overview could be improved by mentioning all categories represented in the charts, not only the most significant ones.
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay is logically organized with clear progression of information. You’ve used cohesive devices like ‘Overall,’ ‘To begin with,’ and ‘On the other hand,’ but the coherence can be improved by ensuring accurate data comparison and clearer transitions between the points.
Lexical Resource: The range of vocabulary is adequate, but there are instances where word choice could be improved for precision. For instance, “indicates to as less as” could be more accurately phrased as “accounts for as little as.”
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: There are several grammatical errors that need to be addressed. For example, “heating and water heating responsible for” should be “heating and water heating are responsible for.” Additionally, “heating uses slightly less than a half the energy but indicates to as less as 15 percent of the total emission of greenhouse gas” could be corrected to “heating constitutes slightly less than half of the energy consumption but contributes to only 15 percent of the total greenhouse gas emissions.”
Corrections and suggestions:
Sentence 1: “The provided pie charts illustrate the proportions of energy usage by an average Australian household and the corresponding emissions of greenhouse gases.”
Sentence 2: “Overall, heating and water heating are responsible for a significant proportion of energy use; however, greenhouse gas emissions result mainly from water heating and other appliances.”
Sentence 3: “Specifically, heating is the largest consumer of energy at 42%, followed by water heating at 30%. Yet, heating accounts for only 15% of total greenhouse gas emissions.”
Sentence 4: “Conversely, water heating, which consumes 30% of energy, leads to 32% of the emissions.”
Sentence 5: “The refrigerator, while using only 7% of the total energy, contributes to 14% of the emissions. Similarly, other appliances use 15% of the energy but are responsible for slightly more than a quarter of the total greenhouse gas emissions.”
Word Count Analysis: The essay should ideally be between 150-200 words for Task 1. Make sure to include all data points and make comparisons where relevant without adding any irrelevant details.
Personalized Suggestions:
Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement.
When summarizing data, make sure to compare and contrast all elements.
Use a variety of sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical range.
Review the use of articles and prepositions, as these are common areas of error.
To provide you with an IELTS score, I’ll break down the analysis based on the four criteria mentioned earlier. Each criterion is scored individually on a band scale from 0 to 9, and the overall score is the average of these four scores.
Task Achievement (0-9):
Score: 5
Feedback: The essay provides a basic overview and includes some data, but it does not fully cover all aspects of the charts. A more detailed comparison is needed.
Coherence and Cohesion (0-9):
Score: 5
Feedback: The essay has an organized flow and uses cohesive devices, but some relationships between ideas are unclear, and the progression could be more logical.
Lexical Resource (0-9):
Score: 5
Feedback: The range of vocabulary is adequate for the task, but some word choices are inaccurate, affecting the clarity of the information presented.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy (0-9):
Score: 4
Feedback: There are multiple grammatical errors, including issues with subject-verb agreement and prepositions, which hinder the clarity of the writing.
Overall Band Score:
This is calculated by taking the average of the four individual scores. The formula for the overall score is: (Task Achievement + Coherence and Cohesion + Lexical Resource + Grammatical Range and Accuracy) / 4
The overall score would then be rounded to the nearest 0.5 band, resulting in an Overall Band Score of 5.0.
We love to share our knowledge on current technologies. Our motto is ‘Do our best so that we can’t blame ourselves for anything“.